Have you ever gone to the bathroom in a strange place? Well, not strange like in the woods, or in a milk jug, but just in someone else's house? Or, maybe even a public restroom?

Well, I have, and I need to share the experience with you. I don't know why, but I simply must.

This little escapade usually starts with the realization that after breathing and drinking that large Iced Coffee, your bladder is about to explode; sending it's contents spilling throughout your body only to leak out of your nose. That could cause a problem, and it's human nature to prevent this from happening. So, that's that: The Urge.

After noticing the urge, you locate a facility to do your business. If you at a mall, or in a store, you look for the little stick figures indicating whether people wearing dresses or not can use that restroom. Perhaps, there is just a generic sign that says 'RESTROOM' plastered above all else. I have noticed that most of these signs are blue. I know not the reasoning behind it. If you are at a friend's house, you have it the easiest... you can just ask where the bathroom is. Actually, if you're at home you have it the easiest... you know where it is. But, peeing, or - god forbid - pooping in some foreign spot is awkward. It's easy to do that in your own home. Preferable, even. So, that's that: The spot.

You make your way towards the bathroom, and most try to do this while causing the least attention to one's self because there is just something intrinsically embarrasing about using a restroom. I don't know what it is, but it can turn even the lamest situation into an awkward fest. If you have a carriage, you hunt for a part of the store where you can leave your goods and they will not be ransacked. If you're at a friend's house or a restaurant, you try to cut the conversation short.

Then. The walk. Oh, god. It can take what seems like years. There are a group of teenagers over there watching you. Waiting for you to duck around the corner so they can laugh at you. You know it, you were those teenagers once. So, sometimes you can look like your going to look at this product... over here. Perhaps, you're going to ... make a phone call. Other times, you're about to burst, and you hurdle toward the door with no shame. You run over anything in your way with no mercy.

This is how I like to roll. No mercy. Fuck you, Lady... you shoudln't have been wheeling your invalid self in front of the pee door. What kinda idiot does that? Oh, you're retarded? Well, that's too bad for you.

So, you're at the door. Now, this gets furtherly awkward. You push, when you're supposed to pull; or vice-versa. Or, the door is much heavier than you anticipated. Whatever it is, isn't what you expected, and you make an ass of yourself.

This is where it can get complicated. There could be someone coming out. They're slightly ashamed of having used a bathroom where someone else has seen them, so they're trying to run away from your judging eyes, and you're trying to get into the sacred chamber and escape from view. After you two dance the tango, and one of you folds first... you're in.

Now, there is always something to be admired in a bathroom. Everyone is different. Different colours, different layouts... whatever. But, you always have to visually survey the area, and make a POA. You notice cleanliness and smells. You stare at the small tiles on the floor, then the bigger tiles on the wall. You look around like you're admiring the lunar landscape. I don't know why... you just do. You look at the stalls, if you're a girl or just have to do the dirty business, and it's like your appraising real estate. You want the handicapped stall, but you'd feel pangs of guilt if that little old lady that you just ran over needed to use it. That would suck. But, on the other hand... space is nice. You always want to be as far away from any other restroom occupants as possible. This doesn't always work, because if you're alone, you want to be in the most isolated, which is often the middle one, and just creates a big mess for generations of future poopers. Oh, and you want a clean one. The same applies for urinals. You don't want the kiddie one, because it's stupid and you feel awkward. And, you don't want to be next to anyone because that's just weird. No one likes being approached when they're facing the wall, and no one wants to approach someone when they're facing the wall. Oh, and if you're using a friend's bathroom... you want to check it out. See what kind of drugs their crazy mom or roommate has to take. See how clean they keep things. See what kind of toothpaste they use, and shampoo... ya know, good things to know about the person.

God forbid there are no urinal dividers. Oh, and if they are three too close together, there might as well be one. It's an unwritten rule to have three feet between pee-ers whenever possible. And, the guy before you took the middle one. Well, fuck. You can't approach him, and he wanted to be in the most isolated one. Oh, fuck. You can't approach him, it's in the rules. Damnit... so you awkwardly pace around pretending to check your phone, or fixing your hair in the mirror or something... Then he leaves.

Guys will do this all with a straight face; whether they are about to burst or not. It's dignified. I just imagine girls running full steam into a stall and getting to work. No shame.

Anyway, the guy in front of you leaves. You can't rush in behind him immediately, because that's weird. You need to leave a gap time, generally as long as it takes for the toilet to stop flushing.

Now, keep a straight face. Guys are out in the open, where new occupants coming in can see, and your expressions are evaluated. If the guy in the stall in the corner lets loose some nastly diarrhea, then you start laughing... you look like a looney playing with himself to the newbies. But, you want to make light of the hysterical situation. It's truly awkward.

Now, it's always important to do this as fast as possible, too. The clock is ticking. You left your cart abandoned, and some asshole clerk is just about to put it away. Or, you left your girlfriend sitting at the table, waiting awkwardly alone. Or, your friend is staring blankly at the wall waiting for your return.

So, you wash your hands. This is really important. A lot of people skip this to save time, but it's recommended. Dry them thoroughly. Nothing like giving them a shake, then running into your boss and his wife and shaking wet hands. That's pleasant. You're definately going to make partner now, you dirty asshole. Or, just being seen with moist hands after coming out of the bathroom is grounds for conversation. So, you've dried you hands, and you leaving, but some asshole is coming in. This is where you get to see the other side of what you'd just experienced minutes before. But, the time is running out. Two more seconds, and the entire store thinks you were in there pooping! Oh, god. What to do?! So, you jump out of the way, and then you end up late anyway.

So, you are done, but not after being scared for life after your waste experience. Why is it so awkward? Oh, and you're on your own if there is no TP.

¶ 17:35