I've been seriously considering Phil's idea for mass wireless power. The only troubles, to me, would be federal permission. They'd want it heavily regulated, since the rays would most assuredly cause cancer. The exact technology to convert electric pulses to transmittable microwaves [the only practical method I can think of] and then back again is top secret.

I've done some preliminary research, and it's possible. Also, with the leaps and bounds in nanotech, it would be possible to design tiny transmitters/recievers. Such small apperati would make it feasible for use on cell phones, laptop, etc. There'd be no way for Phil or myself to make this fly without substantial government assistance, or a buyout from a major cell phone provider. It would be infinitely easier for them to add a simple transmitter to all of their infrastructure, than for us to build our own.

Also, on the topic of Sam and Phil, they're really being assholes lately. I'm sorry that I can't get over Mike so quickly. Get over that, your supposed to be there to support me. I don't even bring him up anymore... you guys do. Then you continually mock and ridicule me. It's ridiculous.

If you don't want to talk about him, stop asking me questions about him. Stop making comments about him, or about me liking him.

I'm sorry I can't just drop him. Do you think I want to feel this way? I have a portion of the mental conception of my heart ripped from its place. It hurts. It's a hurt that I'm pretty sure only Phil knows. I don't know why he is acting the way he is. And, Sam, lately. I just can't stand her. She's getting more and more selfish everyday; or so it seems. Everything she says or does has her advancement in mind. But, being the master conversationalist that she is, she contorts things so that Phil and I feel like we're wrong for confronting her. I can't speak for Phil, but that's how I feel.

Back to the Mike thing. It's confusing, and I hate it. I absolutely hate the feelings that I have. It seems more and more that I just want to be over him. I gave him a place in my heart, as he did with me. The only difference is that he still has mine, and he gave his away. That hurts. Bottom line: it hurts enough as it is, and I don't need you two, my best friends, being assholes about this entire thing. If you need to know all about my finances, you should understand when to draw the line for laughs at my expense. Especially in a situation like this, when it hurts even more.

On top of that, I know that they are just going to be copying and pasting this back and forth to each other, laughing... commenting. They might even make a movie on Phil's new camera. I just grow more and more resentful as they laugh at my pain. Then, they wonder why I get angry.

If you're un-receptive to the fact that I'm getting angry, which I have clearly voiced, and you tell me that you're my best friend, issues rise. I've articulated my point as best as I can, and if you can't understand that, the problem lies with you.

In the words of the late Mr. Rodney Dangerfield, "No respect." That's just how I feel. They don't respect me or anything I say or do. I feel like they keep me around just for laughs.

I'm not going to say how I feel about Mike. Everyone already knows, and saying things a hundred times in a hundred different ways does not ensure that I get my point accross. I've said it enough. I know it, I'm pretty sure he knows it, and everyone who reads this knows it. It's confusing, period; the end. Do I fight for him, do I just walk away, I just don't know. To Sam, you don't even know where I'm coming from, and everytime I take your advice, I fuck myself over; perhaps it's just coincidence.

I will say these two things:
- Confusion mutes the brain, and amplifies the heart.
- Nothing hurts more than the mystery of unanswered questions.

Perhaps these two little wisdom nuggets will make their way to Mrs. Mouneimneh's quote section. They are how I feel about Mike, but they have other, everday applications.

On a little sidebar, I find myself being more creative, musically oriented, and overall more 'left.' I understand 'emo' people now. I understand their success. It's really getting a different vantage point, and helps with one's outlook on life. I'm starting to appreciate music more for its inlaid meaning than the enjoyability of the beat... I appreciate film more for the internal message than for the attractiveness of the characters or the feasibility of the plot. I'm starting to read more in between the lines. It could just be the coffee...

I have a feeling that this is just going to be me unloading everything in my brain. It's been a while since I've had an entry like that. It's like an enema for the brain. ROFL. That's a little NewsRadio humour for ya, right there. It could just be that I'm in irritable mood right now.

I want my fucking car back. I also kinda want it to be totaled. I found a white '97 XJR that I really like. Cheap too. I haven't been cited for any of the accidents that I've been in. Meaning, in the eyes of the law, I've not been the cause. I wish the insurance company felt the same way. My insurance would be $800 cheaper if I hadn't gone up three steps for that tiny accident back in March. Stupid bitch, her random breaking, and her oh-dear-now-that-the-police-are-here-my-neck-hurts-really-bad mindset.

Ya know what song I really like; both for message and for lyrical amiablity? Unwritten - Natasha B. It's excellent. Not only is it quite inspirational, it's very climatic. I actually liken it to sex. I guess, I'd have a pretty interesting book.

Back to Sam and Phil, I think I figured it out. Everything works when we are trying to one-up each other all the time. I have since given up on the one-upage and they haven't. I thought after our mall game talk that all of this was going to change. It was just a way for them to doup me into letting down my guard, I suppose. I feel like I'm too mature for that group. Some of their humour... is just ... stupid. I can't help snickering at the sheer external stupidity of it; not because of my agreement to the topic.

Sam is an enigma. She's just too cocky to handle sometimes, and, unlike Phil and I, never hesitates to put someone in their place. Or where she believes their place is.

I need a haircut. My hair looked awesome yesterday. Like. Awesome. I wasn't able to achieve those results today, unfortunately. Those of you who spend a lot of time on their hair know exactly EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Everytime you do it, you have a picture in your mind of how you want it to look. You work at it for a long time, and you either: a) achieve those results, or b) determine you don't care that much anymore and throw in the towel, or c)change the picture you started with to match the masterpiece you've just created.

When I turn 18, I'm going to, just, fucking, live in a club for a week. I just have this... desire to go to a club, make a complete ass of myself getting wasted and dancing like the white boy that I am. [a.k.a. badly.]

Back to Sam and Phil. I don't deny that we've had some very fun times, but every single hurtful thing that happens cancels out one of the good things. Apathy occurs when an equilibrium us reached. Dissatisfaction occurs when the winning force is hurtful, and satisfaction the reverse respective. I just don't get it.

I know what I want from grandma. I want her to care less. She cares too much, she's too constricting. She is an anaconda around my social life, constricting when she feels I'm being careless. I know, and I've been reminded sooo many times, that she's only doing this for my best interest, but I believe that I'm more capable of deciding whats in my best interest than she is. I am not some stupid, immature, silly 17 year old. I'm the exception to every rule, remember? That's what they keep telling me.

I have to talk to my mother. Not by choice, but because she has a lot of money with my name on it. She was supposed to give it to each of the grandchildren when we turn 21, but I need it now. I know that she hasn't already spent it because she can't. Unless she gave the bank a death certificate with my name on it... which I highly doubt.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I am compiling a list of grievances to send to the school committee because there are some really stupid rules. I want to change them, or at least have them reviewed.

I hate MySpace. I've said it before and I'll say it again... it's a cancer. I have one, I admit it, and it's quite addictive, but it's rarely used appropriately.

I hate how people in my age group are just so... immature and closedminded sometimes. It was brought up in health class, for instance, HIV results. The teacher asked if that information should be made public so that people could better protect themselves from the disorder. In a perfect world, I'd say yes. But, people would be discriminatory against someone for something that they probably had no control over. There are 34 cases in Agawam. Great, I don't care. As long as they are responsible enough to not bleed into any of my open sores, we'll all be happy. I don't go around touching other people's blood anyway.

That brings me back to Rent. Oh my goodness. Honestly, it was terrific. Very rarely will you hear me speak so highly of a film/musical/play/tv show/song, anything. It was awesome. I wish everyone would see it. It's catchy, too. It is about coping with AIDS, but there is really a lot more to it. And the part where Angel is in the Santa costume, and dancing around Mark's flat... man. I love it.

Alright, I was wrong. I am going to talk about Mike. Feel free to scroll. I am still in love with him, and I know that he isn't in love with me anymore. I know that he likes someone else, whom, to the best of my knowledge, he has not told; so I shall not mention names. It hurts, and many signs are there that we'll never get back together. I know that he's replaced me, and my place in his heart. I know that and I accept that. That hurts, and there's where a little support would be nice. I know that he doesn't want me back, but what kind of rebel would I be if I didn't keep up the fight? If either way I'm going to be upset about it, either fighting for him or retreating my room, I might as well pursue the road with more of a chance of success. I know that he's probably a little sketched out by me not just letting it go. I don't care. Like I said before, If there's a billionth of a chance I can get him back... I'm going to go for it. What have I got to lose? I already lost him...

Now I'm done talking about Mike because it really is depressing me. I'm not a depressed person, but I have been for the past few weeks. I don't understand how one guy, who was such a dick, can mean so much to me.

I remember in the previews for Rent, there were two movies that I really wanted to see. One is "Mrs. Henderson presents," starring Judi Dench, whom I absolutely adore, and the other has to do with some chinese Geisha... "Memoirs of a Geisha," Thanks IMDB.

Oh, School. How do I detest thee?

Oh, work. Just send my checks and stop making me come...

Oh, bed. I'm really quite tired. I've been writing this for over an hour now.. Goodnight.

¶ 22:42

Alright, first things first. I saw rent with Mike this afternoon and it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E. It was an excellent story, and very well made. Props to Chris Columbus films.

Mike... ugh. Even I'm getting tired of hearing about this. Lol. Nothing's changed. I still love him, him not soo much.

I found a MySpace thingy, and I filled it out. Answers:

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

¶ 19:36

I saw his mother and his aunt at Target today. They came up to me and gave me big hugs. We said our greetings, they asked me about the accident, I directed them to lights, we hugged again, and then we went our seperate ways.

Shortly after that, he comes up to me.

I stopped and saw him after work. It was so nice to see him. So nice.

¶ 23:55

Yesterday was a bad day, and I'm really starting to hate the bad days. Worst Thanksgiving on record, big fights with Grandma, and Car accident. Sam and Phil were being jerks, and I miss Mike more and more everday.

Thanksgiving sucked because Dinner was late, there was someone there whose name I didn't even know, and everyone was on the desert phase by the time we got there. All the food was cold. It was Uncle Dean, Natalie, Grandma, Kodi, Ashley, Mystery Man, and me. That's the smallest Thanksgiving I've ever had. Too bad that my family decided to melt down. Lol. No one even heard from the Bators...

Grandma keeps treating me like I'm two. Fights with grandma are arising more and more steadily given our old and new opinions. She's 80 and she's used to things the way that they were in the 50s. Unfortunately, I'm not. Conflicts arise.

Car accident was on the corner of Coyote Circle, and some N street. While trying to make a right hand turn, my car slid nicely into a granite curb on a patch of ice, pushing the driver front wheel back about 7 inches. In doing so, it damaged the rim, took out my front suspension, crushed the exterior paneling on the drivers side, and crumpled the unibody. I estimate $4500 in damage.

The car was towed to Wizard's, where my uncle does some body work. I hope I can get it back soon. I don't even think that the insurance company is open until monday. Wizard can't even touch it until the insurance company does their ... whatever they do.

Sam and Phil were being jerks. All they were doing before the accident were badger me about my finances. I'm sorry, but my finances are nobody's business but mine and IRS. Phil was going on and on about how I'm not allowed to keep anything from them because we are best friends. Sam was going about things in a more mature, however, no less-invasive manner.

I miss him more and more. Maybe it was just the accident last night. Even though it wasn't as severe, I really wish he was there for me, like I was for him... I haven't spoken with him in such a long time. I haven't seen him in such a long time. I haven't even IM'd him in such a long time. Sam and Phil are no help either. If it were open and shut it'd be much easier. Him telling me that he still loves me doesn't help. It makes things worse. I'm living my life with the fleeting hope that someday, he'll call me. Ask to see me. Something. To be in his arms again would be a gift.

As I write this, I look at the gimp thing. The filter paper thing got all wet and messed up. I threw that away when I was trying to be mad at him. I feel if I were mad at him, this process would be so much easier. But, I can't blame him. I can't do that.

I hate drama. That's no secret. I feel like I'm swimming in drama; that my life is a big ocean of drama. My plane has crashed, and I feel like I'm swimming in the ocean. As the days go by I'm getting more and more tired. I'm eventually going to drown in it. The whole Mike thing is just a buildup of drama in it's fluid form around my heart. My heart aches as the fluid builds up. Eventually, it'll stop beating all together. That's how it feels right now.

He is my first true love. I would say that he was, but I still love him. I'm still in love with him.

I've made up my mind that I will get over him if that's what he wants. But, I have no way of knowing what he wants. Bleh. I hate drama.

¶ 11:48

¶ 10:28

It's over, but I still love him. I know everyone is so sick and tired of reading this over and over and over and over, but tough shit.

I miss him. It's been two nights since. I feel incredibly alone, though all of my friends have been there when I've needed them. Special thanks to Phil, Sam and Erik for all helping me.

I know this is part of the process, but it's so foreign to me. I'm constantly reminded of him, and everytime I think I have a leg up, there's some memory again. We didn't have much together; it was short and pretty routine. But, it meant so much to me. What little time we had outside of his house. He was confined to his house after the accident, and we rarely got to leave.

I had such a magnificent love planned for us. I wanted to take him on cliche dates. I wanted to take him out to dinner, and to the movies. We had a long list of movies to sit home and watch. I wanted us to be happy. Together. I suppose as long as he's happy, I'm okay. That's the main reason I am not casting him out of my life because of the pain he's caused me.

I remember one of the first times I met his Aunt Maureen... She asked me, "You're not gonna break Michael's heart are ya?" I told her that he'd more likely break mine. We laughed. Sadly, that's become reality.
If I hurt him, as he claims I did, it wasn't my intention. What's done is done. I've made my peace; everyone has moved on.

He says that he's afraid to fall in love. Well, I thought we were in love. I was. I am. He says that he's been hurt too much in the past. Well, that's part of life. It was my job to minimize the pain. He never let me do it. Everytime I tried to help him, or comfort him mentally, he pushed me away.

I told him that I was going to move on. That I wasn't going to wait. I also told him to never be afraid of approaching me in the future; as a friend or as something more. He didn't seem upset by my telling him this. I think it's what he wanted. I think he'd feel guilty moving on knowing that I'd be waiting. I want to get back together with him quite badly. I'm capable of knowing what works for me, and he did. I loved him. Still do.
I think when I told him that I was going to move on, he thought I meant that I was ready to move on. In reality, I don't want to move on. I want him. I guess I was just trying to lessen his burden. I know not why...

Everyone keeps saying that I have got to move on. I'm starting to believe them. Even if we got back together, who's to say that these problems wouldn't happen again? Who is to say that they wouldn't be worse? Who is to say that he'd still love me? In a sense, he fell out of love with me. I can't blame him for that. I can wish, and hope that it weren't so... but that's not going to do any good. I'm going to try to get over it, and I know that eventually I am. I just wish that he still loved me as much as I loved him... but, again, saying that over and over isn't going to make it happen. Only he can. From what I gather, that's not going to happen anytime soon.
Like he said, if it was meant to be, we'll get back together sometime down the road.

So ends the first chapter of the first major love of my life.

¶ 16:43

¶ 14:12

¶ 18:25

¶ 22:12

CarreraGT849 (9:58:30 PM): Hye
Blu57nav (9:58:30 PM): Hey.
CarreraGT849 (9:59:00 PM): Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing...
Blu57nav (9:59:31 PM): Hi, I'm okay.
Blu57nav (9:59:34 PM): How are you?
CarreraGT849 (10:00:14 PM): Good... I really want to tell you that Im sory....What I did isnt fair...
CarreraGT849 (10:00:24 PM): And I havent acted on my feelings...
CarreraGT849 (10:00:33 PM): I cant only imagine what I have put you threw
CarreraGT849 (10:00:36 PM): And I am sorry
Blu57nav (10:01:10 PM): I don't want your apology...
CarreraGT849 (10:01:55 PM): Ok, i guess i deserve that
CarreraGT849 (10:02:10 PM): I have to go though... Its time for mommy to start yelling
CarreraGT849 (10:02:18 PM): good night Kris
Blu57nav (10:02:33 PM): I should have finished my thought. I don't want your apology. I want you.
Blu57nav (10:02:38 PM): Goodnight, Michael.
CarreraGT849 signed off at 10:02:45 PM.

What are his feelings??? All the unanswered questions...

sam gambo (10:12:49): That is weird.
Blu57nav (10:13:06 PM): How so?
sam gambo (10:13:41 PM): That he apologized.
sam gambo (10:13:49 PM): Shut the fuck up, Mike.
sam gambo (10:14:02 PM): You're fucking putting me through hell, now you're giving me this shit to read and think about what the fuck you want now.
sam gambo (10:14:06 PM): And you IM me five minutes before you have to go.
sam gambo (10:14:08 PM): Just fuck off.

xFoxNewserx (10:16:42 PM): Ugh.
Blu57nav (10:17:05 PM): ?
Blu57nav (10:17:13 PM): Please elaborate your grunting.
xFoxNewserx (10:17:30 PM): It just seems phoney baloney.
Blu57nav (10:17:47 PM): I got out at five past nine to answer your question from earlier.
xFoxNewserx (10:18:25 PM): It's like if O.J. saying sorry to Nicoles sister.
xFoxNewserx (10:19:07 PM): Not to mention you are just acting on emotions..
xFoxNewserx (10:19:23 PM): And why shouldn't you deserve an appology?
xFoxNewserx (10:19:47 PM): Did he not put Dan and Ashley ritter above you on MySpace, does he not go out with Dan?
Blu57nav (10:19:48 PM): I do deserve one.
Blu57nav (10:19:55 PM): But, I don't want one.
Blu57nav (10:20:20 PM): I just want him to acknowledge the error in his ways [as I have mine], and I want him to work on putting our relationship back together.
xFoxNewserx (10:21:17 PM): Did Dan tell him that he wants to be your friend and so they can't 'hang out' anymore, or at least publicly, and now Mike wants to have a public boyfriend so he goes back to you, and you say sure it's fine by me.
xFoxNewserx (10:21:30 PM): You might as well let Dan have sex with you guys.
xFoxNewserx direct connection is closed (10:21:39 PM).
xFoxNewserx (10:23:25 PM): Fuck that bitcho.

sam gambo (10:23:43 PM): Anyway, I agree with Phil.
sam gambo (10:23:47 PM): You are letting Mike walk all over you.
sam gambo (10:23:54 PM): Dating Mike = dating Dan, too.
sam gambo (10:24:22 PM): And Miss Piggy.
sam gambo (10:25:09 PM): He should be begging you to forgive him.
Blu57nav (10:25:33 PM): Sam.
Blu57nav (10:25:38 PM): I don't want his apology.
sam gambo (10:25:54 PM): Right, I know, you just want him, got that.
sam gambo (10:26:59 PM): But why are you letting him run the show?
Blu57nav (10:29:10 PM): Because he's the one who has to make the decision.
sam gambo (10:29:45 PM): Well quit waiting around.

JesBelle14 (10:18:54 PM): THERE IS NO TIME TO BE DEPRESSED
JesBelle14 (10:19:01 PM): want to know what my dad always tells me
Blu57nav (10:19:05 PM): Sure.
JesBelle14 (10:19:26 PM): To surround yourself with truely GOOD people
JesBelle14 (10:19:35 PM): therefore, you will never be depressed
JesBelle14 (10:20:03 PM): AND don't waste your time on anyone who won't waste their time on you
- Convo here -
JesBelle14 (10:21:05 PM): god
JesBelle14 (10:21:09 PM): i have no advice, thats just sucky
JesBelle14 (10:21:12 PM): don't worry ,everyone goes through it
JesBelle14 (10:21:18 PM): you'll get over it someday
JesBelle14 (10:21:28 PM): in the mean time, don't waste your every waking moment just fussing over him
JesBelle14 (10:21:58 PM): life is too short to be a snausage face all the time

Bah.

icstah.

¶ 22:28

sam gambo (1:50:19 PM): Kris.
sam gambo (1:50:27 PM): I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever. HH.
sam gambo (1:50:42 PM): I got another one.
Blu57nav (1:50:50 PM): What's that one from?
Blu57nav (1:50:56 PM): I'm drawing a blank.
sam gambo (1:51:28 PM): They say if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours, that's how you know.
sam gambo (1:51:32 PM): THat's Christina Aguilera right there.
Blu57nav (1:51:42 PM): What's HH?
sam gambo (1:51:58 PM): The first one was Hawthorne Heights, "Ohio is for Lovers." HH means Hawthorne Heights, it was the lyric I used for when Phil left us for Andrew. It's become famous between Phil and I.
Blu57nav (1:52:27 PM): It's funny because I told Mike almost exactly that.
Blu57nav (1:52:41 PM): He said that he just needs some time.
Blu57nav (1:52:51 PM): And, I told him that I'd wait, but I don't want to wait forever. [if nothing's going to come.]
sam gambo (1:53:19 PM): They say if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours, that's how you know. I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.
sam gambo (1:53:26 PM): Move on, Kris. Start getting over it.
sam gambo (1:53:34 PM): And when he's ready, you're gonna be the first one to know.
sam gambo (1:53:41 PM): So knowing that there is nothing that you can do.
sam gambo (1:53:47 PM): To make this process of him needing time go faster.
sam gambo (1:53:59 PM): Don't be broken up about it the entire time.
sam gambo (1:54:05 PM): Stop crying, stop blogging about it.
sam gambo (1:54:13 PM): Start eating.
sam gambo (1:54:22 PM): Hang out with Phil and I more, we'll help you take your mind off of things, you know that.
sam gambo (1:55:00 PM): I love having you around so much, you are ... you mean so much to me, Kris, you don't even understand. I am so happy that you see us more, SO happy. And last night when I ran out to your car I seriously meant it when I said I missed you.
sam gambo (1:55:17 PM): I meant that I've missed you for the past two months.
sam gambo (1:55:24 PM): Longer than that.
sam gambo (1:55:38 PM): I'm not happy you broke up with Mike, I'm not happy that you're sad about it, not by any means.
sam gambo (1:55:54 PM): But because of that, we see you more. And that, I am happy about.
sam gambo (1:56:05 PM): I don't want you to be sad about this anymore.
sam gambo (1:56:09 PM): It's not worth it.
sam gambo (1:56:16 PM): If he needs time, give it to him.
sam gambo (1:56:46 PM): You can still call him, but if I were you I would even be a little pissed that he's on the offensive here and he's working it.
sam gambo (1:57:03 PM): Saying things like, I still love you.
sam gambo (1:57:46 PM): He shouldn't be ... leading you on isn't the right phrase I want to use but it works, leading you on so that you'll wait.
sam gambo (1:58:02 PM): Stop looking for him all the time.
sam gambo (1:58:19 PM): Make it easier for yourself.
sam gambo (1:58:24 PM): And that's the end.

¶ 13:56

Why do I want him?

Today would have been our 2 month. I called him last night to see how he was doing. He wasn't home. He called me back. We chatted.

He asked me why he was so important to me, and why I care so much about 'us'... I told him that I loved him. And, though he might not be, I'm still in love with him. He said that he missed me. I said that I missed him. He said that he loved me. I said that I loved him. We hung up the phone. He doesn't see my side. I don't see his side. Can't we just agree to disagree?

I went to bed hoping that I'd be greeted by a phone call from him in the morning. It never came. In retrospect, I don't know why I expected it.

I sent him a text today. I feel bad. It said, "Today is the twelfth. I miss you." I don't even know if he got it. SMS messages are unreliable. I don't know how else to tell him that I want to get back together with him. I want to. So bad. But, if he doesn't, I don't want to pressure him. I do want him to be happy. If that's not with me, than I'll just have to deal. I miss him.

From what I hear, he isn't happy. Neither am I. Why can't we just...

All of the unanswered questions. They hurt so much. There is a void that I just can't fill. I can't just get over him. Maybe I can, and I just don't want to.

I'm divided. Most of me wants me to work it out, and get back together. A small part of me is telling me not to. It's the small part of me that told me to break up with him long ago, because Dan was going to be a problem. Perhaps I should have listened. Look where that got me.

My grandmother asked me last night what was wrong. She said that I've been quiet, and that I haven't been eating. I told her that nothing was wrong. It was a lie. But, it was to reduce complications. She didn't even know that I was dating Mike, let alone broken up with him.

I hate saying that. Broken up. It's awful.

I have such a headache. I'm miserable. I've laid in my bed for hours. I miss him.

I wish I didn't have to work today. I miss him. I have a headache. I'm weak.

I feel like we'd be at an advantage going back out. I feel like now we'd know what not to do, and how the other is more likely to react to certain situations. I beleive that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I shouldn't have texted him. I don't want to disturb him.

I miss him. icstah.

¶ 13:32

. I saw Mike today.

. I want him back so bad.

______________________________________________

WiThAk16 (6:48:29 AM): kris, why are you going back to dan and making friends with someone who completely fucked up your relationship? you have now basically told him that it is okay for what he has done and it isnt. he is the one completely at fault, NOT YOU. Don't go and be liek "its okay dan, i just want us all to be friends again, its okay you ruined my relationship but hey, dont worry we'll be friends again so that in a month you can go back and steal my boyfriend again." You need to just not be friends with him, he has more enemies than friends. He is not a good person, and you know that deep down in your heart. I read the whole instant message. He is the problem, so eliminate the problem. He is not worth it. He's not a true "bestfriend" becuase if he was then he wouldn't
Auto response from Blu57nav (6:48:30 AM): These. Words. Are. My. Own.
WiThAk16 (6:49:09 AM): have done what he has done. I was talking with michelle last night and she obviouusly has nothing good to say about dan, but the thing that hurt the most to hear her say is that dan goes up to her and acts like nothing ever happened and doesnt even say sorry for what he did and alll those times that he cheated on her. Its wrong. Simply put. He obviously has a cold cold heart if he can't even say sorry for what he has done to his ex girlfriend.
WiThAk16 (6:51:18 AM): I don't get why you fall back into your own traps. You did it with Sam and she fucked you over and now you're doing it with Dan. Don't do it. Its not worth it. Even if you think you can instill trust back into him, you never will be able to. you will never be able to feel comfortable with him being around Mike alone. YOu just can't. You say you will be able and you wont. So please, I am begging you to please rethink this. Please Kris. You are my best friend, I love you like a brother and when you're sad,I'm sad. You mean so much to me and I hate seeing you like this.
WiThAk16 is away at 6:51:51 AM.

PerfectNever (11:03:05 PM): yeah
Auto response from Blu57nav (11:03:05 PM): These. Words. Are. My. Own.
PerfectNever (11:03:12 PM): i just.. really needed to bitch someone out
PerfectNever (11:03:25 PM): and ashley seemed to be a good enough target
PerfectNever (11:04:57 PM): and thats bull
PerfectNever (11:05:07 PM): if i had the opportunity i'd have done the same to her face
PerfectNever (11:05:21 PM): dan however i cannot degrade myself enough to talk to
PerfectNever (11:11:32 PM): Blu57nav (5:26:33 PM): It gives people the courage to do stupid and hurtful things that they wouldn't have the nerve to do in real life.
PerfectNever (11:11:41 PM): don't just assume that i said that to her over aim
PerfectNever (11:11:51 PM): i would say that to her, in person in front of anyone
PerfectNever (11:12:00 PM): even the fucking queen of england, or my mother

MlsAwyFrOrdinary (8:30:49 PM): I'm really confused on what happened, maybe sometime when you're ready you can explain it to me. But the way I see it, it was really a big misunderstanding blown out proportion. For the most part, I your feelings, although confused on how they got so negative. It seems everyone is against you and half of them don't have the slightest clue why. I'm here for you, don't forget that.
____________________________________________________________

I'm so hurt. I hurt so much. He's says he is hurt for what I've done. Well, I didn't do anything to him. He says I've compromised his trust. Well, now I know that I probably shouldn't have trusted him as much as I did. Look where that got me.

I have honestly never been so depressed and hurt in my life. He told me that he loves me, but that his heart is wandering. He says he needs help. He never let me help. The drive home was very difficult, from the moment I left his driveway the first time, until the moment I returned to get my DVDs I was crying. I wanted to ask for my gimp thing back, I changed my mind, but I didn't want to disturb him. I almost had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I didn't. Even if I wrapped my car around a telephone pole, it'd be better than how I felt then, or even now.

I hate the drama. I just want him. And, not the drama.

He says it's over.

That he needs help.

He should be getting help soon.

I want to wait.

I asked if I should.

He said he didn't know.

Does he not want and just doesn't want to tell me?

Does he just not know?

All the unanswered questions hurt so much.

He was upset with me for not wanting him to hang out with Dan. I let him hang out with Dan. He didn't respect my wishes, but I didn't mind as much as I should have. As long as he was happy, and I wasn't getting hurt. Look where that got me.

Some of my friends have said from the beginning that he should have respected my wishes. And that by not simply doing that, he's being disrespectful of my character. Phil did, but also some other people who are older and more experienced. Phil's opinion means a lot because he's very good at looking at black and white and making the decision. He makes decisions not complicated by emotion. I'm quite jealous sometimes.

It was brought up that maybe I'm more afraid of being alone and single than I am of being without him. I don't think that's the case.

We cried. We hugged. But that's it. I had every intention of working my hardest at our 'meeting' to get back together. He just doesn't want to. That hurts so much. "Maybe," he said. That hurts so much.

He asked me to take down our conversation from my blog. I never said whether I would or not. This is my scrap book. Visible to the world. I didn't change anything of what anyone said. People ask me questions anyway, and I don't remember a lot. This way, they see exactly what happened. Unbiased. Uneditted.

I gave him the gimp thing, if you haven't figured it out. He told me to keep it. I said I didn't want to. I got half way home, and decided I did. I wanted to get it back, but I didn't want to disturb him.

I've never been so devastated in my life. One thing I can't understand is why I still want to be with him so much. I want to work out all of our problems. I want a relationship with him again. Tomorrow would have been our 2 month. He started telling me his plans for what we were going to do. Then he stopped. I asked him to continue. He wouldn't.

I feel cold all the time. I had the heat up all the way home. It was hot, and I was sweating. But, I still felt cold. Even now as I'm typing this. I'm cold.

I was shivering as I remember. Not from the cold, even though it was. I was so hurt. I couldn't restrain myself. I was shaking. It was so sad.

He said that Nicole was mean, saying things that were unwarranted. I replied that Ashley was mean, saying things that were unwarranted. He said that there was a difference. There isn't.

He said he didn't respect my wishes because he'd lose two friends. I never asked him to, either. I think it would have been easier if I had demanded. It might have ended sooner, but it wouldn't have hurt so much. If he loved me as much as he said he does, then he just lost something more. It hurts so much. I don't want to be lost.

He walked me to my car. Like old time. Like the good times. He opened my door. I got in. I gave him the gimp thing that I'd hung from my rearview mirror. He told me to keep it. I said I didn't want to. He closed the door. He walked away. I turned on my car. Our song was playing. I started crying. I shut off the radio. I cried as I drove out of the neighborhood. I cried as I drove over the railroad tracks. I cried as I drove down Palomba Drive after deciding to turn around. I cried as I turned back on to Hazard Avenue. I cried as I turned by the gas station. I cried as I turned back onto his street. I cried as I pulled in the driveway. Katie jumped. She ran out to see me. I wasn't crying anymore. I want him back.

I want this to just go down on our record as just a fight. I miss him. I love him.

He says that he wants to be part of my life. I told him that I want him to be more than just a part.

I'm freezing. It's 78 in the house. I'm wearing a hooded sweatshirts, jeans and socks. I'm so cold.

So, now. I wait. He says that he doesn't want me to wait. I don't know why. If he has no intention of getting back together, I will have wasted a lot... a lot of time. I want to get back together.

You might think I'm desperate. In a way I am. I've been told that there are other fish in the sea, but I don't want other fish. I could go out and get someone else. I don't want to. I want that little guppy that wandered into my net. I miss him.

On the way home I got a voicemail. I checked them. There were three from him that I'd saved. I cried some more.

All of the unanswered questions... they hurt so much.

¶ 12:26

Blu57nav (5:08:45 PM): Hi.
Blu57nav (5:08:52 PM): What are your plans for the evening?
bluekuruma (5:08:53 PM): hello
bluekuruma (5:08:57 PM): I have Top 40
bluekuruma (5:09:02 PM): im manning a table in the rotunda
bluekuruma (5:09:07 PM): for "choir"
bluekuruma (5:09:22 PM): what about you
Blu57nav (5:10:18 PM): Nothing, really. I was just wondering when I could give you your CD.
Blu57nav (5:10:28 PM): I'm scared, Dan.
bluekuruma (5:10:34 PM): over what? is everything ok
Blu57nav (5:10:37 PM): Mike wants to talk to me tomorrow.
bluekuruma (5:10:41 PM): btw my uncle passed away today
Blu57nav (5:10:48 PM): I'm sorry.
Blu57nav (5:10:50 PM): Which one?
bluekuruma (5:10:56 PM): uncle michael
bluekuruma (5:11:00 PM): aunt cathys husband
bluekuruma (5:11:03 PM): up on juniper ridge
Blu57nav (5:11:09 PM): Did I meet him?
Blu57nav (5:11:13 PM): Ohhh. That one?
bluekuruma (5:11:14 PM): no
bluekuruma (5:11:16 PM): yeah
Blu57nav (5:11:50 PM): I'm sorry about that.
Blu57nav (5:12:10 PM): I've just been informed that Mike will be joining you this evening. I guess I'll get you your disc some other time.
bluekuruma (5:12:23 PM): yeah its supposed to be me ash mike and shelley
bluekuruma (5:12:28 PM): u know its really possible
bluekuruma (5:12:36 PM): that hes gonna wanna make us all friends again
bluekuruma (5:12:39 PM): like way back in teh beginning
Blu57nav (5:12:52 PM): I'm not opposed to that. I never have been.
bluekuruma (5:13:05 PM): i think everybody thought u were:-(
Blu57nav (5:13:12 PM): I don't know why they all thought that.
Blu57nav (5:13:27 PM): And, I honestly have absolutely no idea why Ashley hates me so much.
Blu57nav (5:13:34 PM): And why she is saying such hurtful things.
bluekuruma (5:13:39 PM): she hates u for the mere reason that she sees what uve done to me
bluekuruma (5:14:17 PM): kris ive never been so attacked and the whole myspace parental thing
bluekuruma (5:14:23 PM): i still am reeling from that
bluekuruma (5:14:37 PM): and now nicole is talking garbage
bluekuruma (5:14:54 PM): its like, i cant escape from your revenge, for nothing ive done thats all
Blu57nav (5:15:06 PM): I'm sorry I gave out your password. To be honest, I'd assumed you changed it. It was, like, three weeks after the email thing. For which, I've never apologized. And, for that, I'm doubbly sorry.
bluekuruma (5:15:20 PM): thankyou
Blu57nav (5:15:30 PM): I didn't babysit Erik. I don't even know if he did that whole thing.
Blu57nav (5:15:43 PM): I had no idea it was the same password.
bluekuruma (5:15:48 PM): yeah
bluekuruma (5:15:56 PM): its kinda weird that hed go thru the effort too
Blu57nav (5:16:09 PM): He's still quite upset about what happened with Jay.
Blu57nav (5:16:19 PM): He'll tell you he's over it, but he is really hurt inside.
bluekuruma (5:16:28 PM): well ive been honestly appologetic theres nothing more i can do
Blu57nav (5:16:37 PM): Not that it's your fault, but people need to assign blame. He blames you.
bluekuruma (5:16:49 PM): i know people do, and im fine with his blame on me
bluekuruma (5:16:55 PM): if it were role reversal id blame him too
Blu57nav (5:17:57 PM): I guess you never changed the password to your email, either, because didn't he, or whoever it was, email the link to your dad from your account?
bluekuruma (5:18:05 PM): yes
Blu57nav (5:18:36 PM): Aunty Cathy's the volvo lady, right?
bluekuruma (5:18:39 PM): yes
Blu57nav (5:18:42 PM): Not to dwell on it...
bluekuruma (5:18:51 PM): he had cancer of the liver
Blu57nav (5:19:16 PM): My paternal grandfather died of cirrhosis of the liver.
Blu57nav (5:19:33 PM): I never really knew him. The story of my life, I suppose.
bluekuruma (5:19:55 PM): yeah
Blu57nav (5:20:41 PM): I suppose if the cirrcumstances were different, I would have apologized sooner. You know me, though. I'm stubborn. I'm the first person to admit that, if nothing else.
bluekuruma (5:20:52 PM): i understand your side too
bluekuruma (5:21:02 PM): i just feel like a lot of sadness and blame was put on my shoulders
bluekuruma (5:21:05 PM): thats all
bluekuruma (5:21:10 PM): and i do accept ur appology
Blu57nav (5:21:25 PM): But, this whole thing with Mike. I've realized that the rest is just so stupid. It's so immature. Let's just go back to the way things used to be.
Blu57nav (5:21:57 PM): Deal?
bluekuruma (5:22:13 PM): deal
bluekuruma (5:22:25 PM): only rut in the situation
Blu57nav (5:22:29 PM): You have my trust back.
bluekuruma (5:22:32 PM): ashley wont want to be friends again
Blu57nav (5:23:36 PM): ARit312 (5:09:00 PM): u lie to make others feel sorry for u i c
Blu57nav (5:09:17 PM): What are you talking about?
ARit312 (5:09:52 PM): nicole
Blu57nav (5:10:01 PM): What about Nicole?
ARit312 (5:10:55 PM): dont play stupid u worthless asshole
ARit312 (5:11:15 PM): dont worry me dan and ur EX boyfriend will have fun tonight
Blu57nav (5:23:50 PM): Please tell me how any of that was warranted?
bluekuruma (5:25:24 PM): nicole
bluekuruma (5:25:27 PM): came up to ashley
bluekuruma (5:25:29 PM): online just now
bluekuruma (5:25:33 PM): and started going off on her
bluekuruma (5:25:47 PM): about how dare she stand up for a WHORE (aka myself_
Blu57nav (5:26:09 PM): I hate AIM.
bluekuruma (5:26:30 PM): me too
Blu57nav (5:26:33 PM): It gives people the courage to do stupid and hurtful things that they wouldn't have the nerve to do in real life.
Blu57nav (5:27:30 PM): I assume that you've been talking to Mike. How's he doing?
bluekuruma (5:27:48 PM): hes very good
bluekuruma (5:27:49 PM): well
bluekuruma (5:27:50 PM): not very
bluekuruma (5:27:54 PM): hes dissappointed
bluekuruma (5:27:58 PM): thats the best word i could use
Blu57nav (5:28:15 PM): He tells me that he's been crying a lot.
bluekuruma (5:28:23 PM): well i would appreciate it much if u would say a few nice things on my behalf to nicole
bluekuruma (5:28:28 PM): i mean nothing crazy
bluekuruma (5:28:38 PM): just that im not exactly as big of a jerkface as shes been lead to beleive
Blu57nav (5:28:57 PM): I'll call of Nicole, if you'll call of Ashley. I'm not as horrible as she's been lead to believe.
Blu57nav (5:29:06 PM): of = Off*
bluekuruma (5:29:19 PM): deal
Blu57nav (5:31:08 PM): The past couple days without him have been so dark.
Blu57nav (5:31:16 PM): I can't focus on anything but him.
bluekuruma (5:31:27 PM): well appeal that to him then
bluekuruma (5:31:30 PM): maybe ull get back together
Blu57nav (5:31:56 PM): I've told him that I want to get back together, and I assume that's what were going to talk about tomorrow morning.
bluekuruma (5:32:12 PM): ook
bluekuruma (5:32:15 PM): cool cool
bluekuruma (5:32:17 PM): well best of luck
bluekuruma (5:32:19 PM): dinner time
bluekuruma (5:32:36 PM): your a good guy, most of the time :-), ull be fine
Blu57nav (5:32:42 PM): I'm sorry, Dan. I really am.
Blu57nav (5:32:50 PM): None of it was worth what I lost.
Blu57nav (5:33:11 PM): If I'm wrong, or if I'm right, it's not worth losing him over.
bluekuruma (5:33:27 PM): or ur best friend
bluekuruma (5:33:29 PM): jerk!
Blu57nav (5:33:46 PM): That too, but, no offense... you're kinda on the back burner right now.
Blu57nav (5:33:51 PM): One thing at a time, jeeeeeez.
bluekuruma (5:34:00 PM): yes yes
bluekuruma (5:34:03 PM): im aware
Blu57nav (5:34:12 PM): Out of the blue, I thought about an XJ12 today.
bluekuruma (5:34:25 PM): LOL
bluekuruma (5:34:29 PM): i gotta go get dinner
Blu57nav (5:34:30 PM): As I was driving... I imagined having 12 cylinders. =P
Blu57nav (5:34:33 PM): Bye.
bluekuruma (5:35:12 PM): hehe see ya

¶ 17:48

I thought about him as I was leaving the yearbook room a few minutes ago, as I had the entire day. I saw that it was raining outside, and I thought about him. I started walking to my car, and with every step, a memory would invade my mind with some emotion, and false hope. I want to know if he has any intention of repairing our relationship, because I would like to.

I saw my car, and the break dust on the rear wheels only. I thought about him. I got in my car, and Gary Allen came on my CD player, and I thought about him. I looked at my rearview mirror and I saw the gimp thing he made me in school. I thought about him. I looked in my Target folder to get my schedule, and I found the filter paper heart design he made me. I thought about him. I saw the paper I stuck in my visor where he wrote me a love note on an index card. I thought about him. The list of movies we were supposed to watch together fell from my visor, and I thought about him.

It hurts me, this whole thing hurts me. But, the thing that hurts me most - not that he cast me out of his life, not that he won't speak to me, not that he is convinced that I don't trust him, not that he ripped out my heart - the thing that hurts me most is that he is hurting, too. And, I'm powerless to comfort him.

All day he occupied my mind. Even my teachers noticed that something was wrong. I didn't get my coffee this morning. I didn't get my 'good morning' phone call. I miss him. I don't understand why what I did hurt him so much. When Nicole read my blog, she remarked that he was more of a drama queen than Michelle after Dan or Jacqui on a bad day. I want a drama free relationship. But, I want him, too. If I have to put up with the drama, I will.

This morning when I put on my coat to get in my car, I found an old note he'd written me. I thought about him. I'm so distracted by this. This is so stupid. If he is really going to be upset over something so trivial, I guess it wasn't meant to be. As I was at work today, I thought about him.

I'd wake up from a trance while driving; my hands at ten and two, my eyes on the road, and I'd be traveling the speed limit. But, my mind was elsewhere. I was thinking of him.

I've reached this conclusion. What I did isn't anything worse than things he's done. I think he was just looking for a way to end the relationship, and this presented itself quite conveniently. Part of me wants that to be right, but a large part of me wants me to be totally and completely 100% wrong.

Several people have suggested that Mike really should have respected me more. As much as I believe that, I feel that I should have showed my trust better. I feel like this just highlights our weak spots and gives us something to work on.

All I'm guilty of is loving him. All I wanted was to love and be loved in return. I just want him back. I want to hold him in my arms, and smell his Garnier Fructis hair. I want to be nagged by his mother, and pet Indy. I want to be clawed by Pookey, and asked questions by Katie. I just want him back. I still don't know why it ended.

I don't want to one of my three great loves to have only lasted a few weeks. Everything I see, I think of him. By the time I'd written this word, I'd thought about him 232 times, and cried twice.

¶ 22:08 //

xFoxNewserx (11:43:43 PM): Kris, after reading your latest blog entry, I am really confused. I just want to say that I am behind you 100%.
____________________________________________________________
Auto response from Blu57nav (11:43:43 PM): The Book of Love has music in it.
In fact, that's where music comes from...
Some of it's just transcendental;
Some of it is really dumb.
- Peter Gabriel
_____________________________________________________________
xFoxNewserx (11:45:40 PM): Call it jealousy, or call it whatever you want, but I think you are 100% right on about the Dan and Mike thing.. I would NEVER let my boyfriend go to the movies with another guy, let alone Dan. And if my boyfriend knew that I was uncomfortable with it and did it anyway.. He wouldn't be the boyfriend, because while I (you) may have trust or jealousy issues, he has respect issues.
xFoxNewserx (11:45:53 PM): :-) I love you. :-)
xFoxNewserx is away at 1:14:16 AM.

Blu57nav (12:00:23 AM): What's your problem with me?
Blu57nav (12:01:06 AM): You seem to have this intense hatred directed towards me, and I'm really curious to know what I did to you.
ARit312 (12:01:36 AM): leave me alone
ARit312 (12:01:50 AM): i finally got u out of my life and i wanna keep it that way
Blu57nav (12:02:00 AM): Then, stay out of mine.
Blu57nav (12:02:15 AM): Interfering in a conversation between Dan and I isn't a good way of you staying out of my life.
Blu57nav (12:02:37 AM): If, for whatever reason, you decided to start hating me, it has nothing to do with Dan and I.
ARit312 (12:02:49 AM): dont understand mike is not ur bf and u cant control him he can hang out with who ever he wants to get along its sad ur so worried about him leaving u
Blu57nav (12:03:02 AM): And, why was I so evil that you needed me out of your life?
Blu57nav (12:03:06 AM): The issue isn't with Mike.
Blu57nav (12:03:11 AM): Dan and I had an agreement.
ARit312 (12:03:48 AM): ya it does u need to fucken learn to treat people
Blu57nav (12:04:01 AM): Which, he claims he misinterpreted. I, however, recall exactly when making the agreement explain the terms and spelling them out with him.
ARit312 (12:04:10 AM): Im not gonna sit back and watch u being an jerk to my best friend its not gonna happen
Blu57nav (12:04:42 AM): Then how are you telling me to stay out of your life? If you keep interfering, you can't blame me.
ARit312 (12:04:48 AM): hes not ur lil dog u can control he can have a life with out u and im sure it will be a better on
ARit312 (12:04:49 AM): e
ARit312 (12:06:56 AM): dont u see how many times u screwed ur friend ship up with dan and all ur other friends kris think about it
ARit312 (12:07:06 AM): do u really think ur a good person
ARit312 (12:07:25 AM): and u do no wrong?
Blu57nav (12:08:04 AM): I have never suggested that I was, and that I don't. However, you and your 'crew' seem to think that I think that way.
ARit312 (12:08:25 AM): kris we all see how u are
ARit312 (12:08:43 AM): ur are an awful friend
Blu57nav (12:08:45 AM): Really?
ARit312 (12:08:52 AM): ya reallyt
ARit312 (12:09:08 AM): ur even screwing up with ur boyfriend look at urself
ARit312 (12:10:33 AM): kris ur own family doesnt want u dont u see it
Blu57nav (12:10:57 AM): That was low, inappropriate and wrong.
ARit312 (12:11:09 AM): its was true
ARit312 (12:11:30 AM): ur driving everyone away
Blu57nav (12:11:33 AM): We aren't bringing my family into this... but, explain how family also doens't want my brother, sister or dog.
Blu57nav (12:11:47 AM): Did I drive them away, too? Then why are they still around?
Blu57nav (12:11:56 AM): Why did Grandma take me in and buy me a car?
Blu57nav (12:12:03 AM): Because she hates me? Obviously.
ARit312 (12:12:21 AM): look at the way ur treat her someone so good to u
ARit312 (12:12:24 AM): u lie to her
Blu57nav (12:12:53 AM): Wait a minute... you said I drive her away? Which argument are you going with at the moment?
Blu57nav (12:13:02 AM): Can you pick one and stick with it? Please?
ARit312 (12:13:24 AM): no what im not gonna waste my time anymore sorry im done nice talking to ya
Blu57nav (12:13:41 AM): You haven't made your point.
ARit312 (12:13:58 AM): the point is i really dislike u for many reason
Blu57nav (12:14:26 AM): Can you list them?
ARit312 (12:14:29 AM): and im not gonna be nice anymore now that i no longer have to work with ur and sorry to tell u but no one liked u at work anyway
Blu57nav (12:15:22 AM): Again... being mean and spiteful when completely unwarranted.
ARit312 (12:15:31 AM): ah who cares
ARit312 (12:15:39 AM): remember im a "bitch"
Blu57nav (12:15:57 AM): Yes. I said that, and I've stood by it.
Blu57nav (12:16:14 AM): And, at the moment, you have yet to disprove me.
ARit312 (12:16:38 AM): as u notice im only like that to u and no ones seems to argee with u
Blu57nav (12:17:06 AM): No one?
ARit312 (12:18:15 AM): that what i said
Blu57nav (12:18:58 AM): I can find several, however, I think if you really said what you meant, it would read something like: No one in the car with me tonight seems to agree with you.
ARit312 (12:19:13 AM): good byes kris im done with u
ARit312 signed off at 12:19:16 AM.

¶ 06:40

Blu57nav (9:51:23 PM): I understand that Justin IMmed you, and I want you to know that I didn't put him up to it.
CarreraGT849 (9:51:36 PM): Really?
CarreraGT849 (9:51:55 PM): So what part of the dont talking to me didnt you understand???....
CarreraGT849 (9:52:11 PM): But sence your here might as well find out what your babiling about
CarreraGT849 (9:53:38 PM): What are you tlaking about you put Justin up to iming me??
Blu57nav (9:53:56 PM): I said that I didn't.
Blu57nav (9:54:08 PM): And, if that's not how I typed it, that's how I meant it.
CarreraGT849 (9:54:33 PM): It was my fault
CarreraGT849 (9:54:43 PM): Done with saying anything to me?
CarreraGT849 (9:55:43 PM): Ok then, say nothing like you did this afternoon, ya knwo that almost hurts more then saying something mean.....
Blu57nav (9:55:54 PM): What do you want me to say?
Blu57nav (9:56:33 PM): Would you like me to say that our song came on the CD player and I cried?
Blu57nav (9:56:51 PM): Would you like me to say that I couldn't focus on anything today because all I think about is you?
CarreraGT849 (9:56:58 PM): Cried........ it didnt take a song to make me do that
Blu57nav (9:57:11 PM): The song just made me realize it.
Blu57nav (9:57:23 PM): As mad as you may be at me, I still love you.
Blu57nav (9:57:26 PM): With all my heart.
Blu57nav (9:57:39 PM): And, whatever conversation Ashley has is taken out of context.
Blu57nav (9:57:53 PM): From the moment I said "I love you," there's been no one else.
CarreraGT849 (9:58:21 PM): Kris, being exclusive isnt the oly part of a relationship........
Blu57nav (9:58:28 PM): It could be a staged conversation for all I know.
CarreraGT849 (9:58:28 PM): Theres trust
Blu57nav (9:58:34 PM): I know that.
CarreraGT849 (9:58:48 PM): And being NICE to other people even when you dont want to be
Blu57nav (9:59:27 PM): I don't know how else to explain it to you. I trust you. Stop assuming that because I don't like nor trust Dan that it has anything to do with you.
Blu57nav (9:59:51 PM): Even after the white lie you told yesterday, I don't care about that. It's not important.
Blu57nav (10:00:21 PM): What's important is that you think I don't trust you, when I do.
Blu57nav (10:00:28 PM): That hurts both of us.
CarreraGT849 (10:00:49 PM): Then let me come out and tell you!
CarreraGT849 (10:01:08 PM): I dont trust you, today you proved yourself a visious mean person
CarreraGT849 (10:01:26 PM): And cutes you cant have me if your gunna be like that!
CarreraGT849 (10:01:38 PM): What am i saying you dont have me
CarreraGT849 (10:01:45 PM): I am soooo ANGRY with you
Blu57nav (10:01:49 PM): What did I do that made me mean and viscious?
CarreraGT849 (10:01:51 PM): You really have NO idea
CarreraGT849 (10:03:03 PM): You knew taht Erik was gogint ot do something aweful....
CarreraGT849 (10:03:17 PM): Adn I would be suprised if you truly had nothing to do with it
Blu57nav (10:05:25 PM): Erik asked me what password I used to get into Dan's email. I told him. Erik obviously tried it for his MySpace.
CarreraGT849 (10:05:45 PM): Yeah, you didnt happent o hint that it was the same...
Blu57nav (10:05:50 PM): And, Dan obviously didn't change his password to his email if Erik emailed his dad.
CarreraGT849 (10:05:51 PM): Come on Kris
CarreraGT849 (10:06:17 PM): Was it ERIK!!!
CarreraGT849 (10:06:27 PM): Tell me yes
CarreraGT849 (10:06:29 PM): come on
Blu57nav (10:06:30 PM): That's who you told me it was.
CarreraGT849 (10:06:36 PM): Yeah
CarreraGT849 (10:06:41 PM): ok kris
CarreraGT849 (10:06:46 PM): Like you didnt know
CarreraGT849 (10:07:27 PM): God.. ya know what leave me alone, Its a crying same I love you.... because all your doing is just hurting me more..... exactly what I didnt want to
Blu57nav (10:07:42 PM): HOW AM I HURTING YOU MORE!?
Blu57nav (10:07:49 PM): YOU WON'T TELL ME HOW TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER?
Blu57nav (10:08:07 PM): I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN JUST TO MAKE EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL. Blu57nav (10:08:16 PM): NOTHING.
Blu57nav (10:08:48 PM): I just want us to be okay. But, I have no way of changing your interpretation.
CarreraGT849 (10:09:09 PM): Kris you knwo exactly what you did
Blu57nav (10:09:14 PM): And, I feel like I'm fighting a losing war.
CarreraGT849 (10:09:25 PM): Your to smart not to
CarreraGT849 (10:09:36 PM): Face it I know....
Blu57nav (10:10:27 PM): When is this going to be over?
CarreraGT849 (10:10:35 PM): What?
Blu57nav (10:10:44 PM): When are we going to move on?
CarreraGT849 (10:11:06 PM): Convo wise?
Blu57nav (10:11:15 PM): Relationship wise.
CarreraGT849 (10:11:28 PM): Love I told you
Blu57nav (10:11:34 PM): Remind me.
CarreraGT849 (10:12:29 PM): Im DONE, You proved that you were a " not nice person" I told you taht you should have thought about what you did if you wanted to salvasge our relationship.....
CarreraGT849 (10:12:36 PM): I was hoping for an appoligy
CarreraGT849 (10:12:44 PM): and Deff. one to Dan...
CarreraGT849 (10:13:48 PM): YOu said taht you knew goign into his email was worng so then you go galavanting off to give his password to everyone else?
CarreraGT849 (10:13:59 PM): Ok Kris really shows you learned your lession
Blu57nav (10:17:49 PM): I know that going into his email was wrong. I know what happened to his MySpace is wrong. I know that emailing it to his Dad was wrong. I'm sorry that any of this happened. I'm sorry for giving out the password to Dan's Email three weeks after you told him to change it. I'm sorry that I can't trust Dan. I'm sorry that you think I don't trust you. I'm sorry that you feel it's over. I'm sorry that I'm in love with you.
Blu57nav (10:17:55 PM): What else do you want me to say?
Blu57nav (10:18:05 PM): What else, Michael.
Blu57nav (10:21:30 PM): I'm not a bad person. Despite what Ashley, Dan, or whoever says about me... I'm not. And, if you want character witnesses, I can provide a half dozen off the top of my head.
Blu57nav (10:22:25 PM): I'm still interested in making our relationship work. I know that with a little effort we can make it through. Are you?
CarreraGT849 (10:23:22 PM): Am I what?
CarreraGT849 (10:24:38 PM): Do you knwo what I am.....
CarreraGT849 (10:24:41 PM): I am tired
CarreraGT849 (10:24:49 PM): So I am going to bed
Blu57nav (10:25:01 PM): Goodnight.
CarreraGT849 (10:25:07 PM): Night

XxIrelandxX05 (9:24:21 PM): Kris What the Heck did u do to Mike
Blu57nav (9:24:36 PM): Who is this?
XxIrelandxX05 (9:24:42 PM): Justin
Blu57nav (9:25:12 PM): Has he been talking to you?
XxIrelandxX05 (9:25:53 PM): Just now....He said u did sunthing to him that got him Worked up
XxIrelandxX05 (9:25:55 PM): And thats all he said
XxIrelandxX05 (9:26:38 PM): And to answer your questions YES we have been talking.....But I have a bf....were talking as friends
Blu57nav (9:26:59 PM): I don't care!! Why does everyone think I'm so posessive.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:27:05 PM): i dont
XxIrelandxX05 (9:27:12 PM): Hes not ur bf anyway
XxIrelandxX05 (9:27:22 PM): so why should u care....I never said u should care
Blu57nav (9:27:30 PM): I don't care who he talks to. I don't care who he goes out with.
Blu57nav (9:27:50 PM): I don't want to baby sit him.
Blu57nav (9:28:02 PM): I just want to love him, and be loved in return.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:28:19 PM): Well Kris Im sorry but What ever u did Fucked that up today
XxIrelandxX05 (9:28:23 PM): I think
XxIrelandxX05 (9:32:06 PM): But what did u do that Pissed him off?
Blu57nav (9:32:48 PM): It's long, intricate and complicated.
Blu57nav (9:33:11 PM): Its very interpretive, and based on the person. I don't feel what I did was wrong, but, he does.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:33:25 PM): ya he does
Blu57nav (9:33:35 PM): The bottom line is, I retaliated against of friend of mine who'd wronged me. Mike is unhappy.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:33:47 PM): omg I would have done that to
Blu57nav (9:34:01 PM): Over time, Mike has become closer and closer with this kid, whom I absolutely cannot stand.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:34:11 PM): His his name dan?
XxIrelandxX05 (9:34:14 PM): or sunthing like that
Blu57nav (9:34:16 PM): This kid is a man whore, and ... Yes.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:34:36 PM): The one that he went to the movies wit last night?!
Blu57nav (9:34:51 PM): Anyway, this kid used to be my best friend, but then he evolved into this pathological liar, and has broken up relationships so he can sleep with people.
Blu57nav (9:34:55 PM): And, yes. That's the one.
Blu57nav (9:35:14 PM): I've told Mike that I'm uncomfortable with him going about with Dan.
Blu57nav (9:35:33 PM): However, I told him that I don't want to control him, and only to know that I'm uncomfortable.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:35:40 PM): leme tell u sunthing
XxIrelandxX05 (9:35:46 PM): If it makes u mad Im sorry
XxIrelandxX05 (9:35:57 PM): But Mike and My self have been talking on the Phone everynight
XxIrelandxX05 (9:36:06 PM): and he called me when he got home last night
XxIrelandxX05 (9:36:30 PM): and I brought it up about hooking up wit people....and He told me HE would NEVER hook up wit dan
Blu57nav (9:37:25 PM): He thinks I don't trust him. That's not the case.
Blu57nav (9:37:28 PM): I just don't like Dan.
Blu57nav (9:37:32 PM): Dan is scum.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:37:37 PM): Where is he from here?
Blu57nav (9:37:47 PM): I know dozens of people who feel the same way.
Blu57nav (9:37:49 PM): He's from agawam.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:37:55 PM): OMG
XxIrelandxX05 (9:38:12 PM): Does he Own his own Applyance shop
Blu57nav (9:38:17 PM): No.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:38:20 PM): I cant spell tonight
XxIrelandxX05 (9:38:22 PM): Ok good
XxIrelandxX05 (9:38:40 PM): beacause if that was the dan I was going to kill Mike my self
XxIrelandxX05 (9:40:29 PM): Anyway....Kris....Its not worth it with him! and I told him If i were u Id do the same thing
Blu57nav (9:40:54 PM): What do you mean it's not worth it with him?
Blu57nav (9:41:00 PM): With Mike?
XxIrelandxX05 (9:41:04 PM): Hes not worth the shit
XxIrelandxX05 (9:41:14 PM): Im telling him now That i dont want to talk to him anymore
Blu57nav (9:41:38 PM): Well, that's just it. I feel he is worth the shit.
Blu57nav (9:42:00 PM): I'd just wish that he'd respect me a little bit and just not hang out with people who say nothing but bad things about me.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:42:55 PM): But kris
XxIrelandxX05 (9:42:58 PM): he is his own Person
XxIrelandxX05 (9:43:18 PM): You cant expect ur bf to listen to u when u tell him who to and not hang out with
Blu57nav (9:43:45 PM): That's the problem. I don't want to tell him. I want him to just do it. But, he's so intent on finding the good in everyone.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:44:21 PM): yah well he will never find the good in me I wont let him....I just shut him off from talking to me and im ing me so blah....
XxIrelandxX05 (9:44:26 PM): Hes comming on now i bet
XxIrelandxX05 (9:44:28 PM): SEEE
XxIrelandxX05 (9:45:53 PM): Hes talking to me blah
Blu57nav (9:46:05 PM): I wish he'd do that to me. =[
XxIrelandxX05 (9:46:17 PM): ima tell him now!
XxIrelandxX05 (9:47:14 PM): XxIrelandxX05 (9:47:01 PM): Leme just tell u this.........I would have done the same thing if I were ur bf that Kris did....With that WHORE your friends wit
XxIrelandxX05 (9:47:45 PM): I hope he dont ask me ?'s about him
Blu57nav (9:48:15 PM): Thanks for your help, but, I think I'm just going to have to deal with this by myself.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:51:58 PM): oh its getting NASTY
XxIrelandxX05 (9:53:23 PM): Kris
XxIrelandxX05 (9:53:29 PM): You did not Put me up to Im ing him
Blu57nav (9:53:45 PM): Correct.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:53:57 PM): You never told me to IM him
XxIrelandxX05 (9:54:00 PM): I did it on my own
Blu57nav (9:54:35 PM): Blu57nav (9:51:23 PM): I understand that Justin IMmed you, and I want you to know that I didn't put him up to it.
XxIrelandxX05 (9:54:47 PM): Yah he just corrected him self
XxIrelandxX05 (9:54:58 PM): and i just yelled at him and told him DOnt ever assume
XxIrelandxX05 (9:55:57 PM): So anyway....Do u remember who I am yet?XxIrelandxX05 (9:55:59 PM): lolXxIrelandxX05 (10:01:57 PM): Are u ok?
Blu57nav (10:03:58 PM): They poisoned his mind.
Blu57nav (10:04:04 PM): They've convinced him to hate me.
Blu57nav (10:04:09 PM): They've won.

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