Have you ever had a day so bad, that you consider death a positive alternative? Now, this isn't to say that I'm suicidal, and shouldn't prompt any vigilante parent of mine to report me or have me seek counseling.

People just don't mind their own business anymore. It's a way of life, we all do it, and it's not right. It should stop, but I know it never will. People intrude in my life, and I intrude in others. It's quite a vicious cycle that we are all trapped in. That's my generic rant for the day.

Well, back to my introductory thought. The past few days have been ... stressful. To assign a single adjective that adequately covers the chaos to which I refer is impractical and damn near impossible. But, I digress.

It's not a well kept secret that I cannot stand living with my grandmother, and recently tensions have come to a head. These conflicts, when mixed with empowered and disinterested parents have erupted into so much more. Enough so that when I decided that I wasn't going to school this morning, a counselor came to see me.

Yesterday I tried to get dismissed. Tuesday, rather. I had my sister call and authorize a dismissal using the guise that I had a doctor's appointment. Some oblivious secretary, not connecting her to the vice prinicipal she should have spoken to, decided to ask twenty questions. She found out that she wasn't my mother. So, this same secretary, who I don't know, btw. [I work in the office, and this was a substitute secretary.] This secretary decided to call my mother, but got no answer. She then called my father, and asked him to verify the appointment. Now, if you don't follow what happens in my life, just know that my father isn't part of it. My clueless father, hasn't a single notion of any appointment and calls my grandmother. Now, everything that I had wanted to avoid, was brought full circle and even aggrevated by this nosy secretary. Needless to say, when I talked to Mrs. Conte, I got dismissed.

The school should understand that I don't live with either of my parents. They both decided that I don't need to live with either of them. Now, call me crazy, but when they kick you out, they should lose their right to control your life. The school doesn't seem to think so, and won't acknowledge any differently. The school is more concerned about red tape than the child's own well-being. If, by law, I can have any number of legally protected things done, about which my guardians need not be notified, why can't I leave school to do things without them being notified?

First, let me say to my father:
Look ya dick. You didn't want anything to do with my life, and I want nothing more either. Stay out like you have, and stop trying to make your new god, or whatever happy with yourself. You are one giant fuck up, and all you do is preach to everyone about how to make their lives better. Well, given your track record, I'd rather be lectured by a pedophile priest about virtue and the sins of homosexuality. I've come to you for help, and got nothing but fortune cookie advice from you. So, now, when you were called, you fucked shit up. You say you are just trying to help me, and I can't understand how that is. You move away, and expect me to call you, and get upset when I don't. You flip everything around so that it's always my fault, and do nothing but disparrage me. Everyone that I've ever spoken to about your stupid religion was right. You turned into exactly what they said you would. I can honestly say that I don't care. I want nothing from you, and if I ever speak to you again, it will be too soon. Get out of my life, and leave me alone.

To Society in General:
Screw you. If I were to murder someone right here, and right now, I'd be tried as an adult. Which means, I was capable of making the decision between right and wrong, and I chose wrong fully knowing of the consequences. However, I can't do any number of things. If my age will keep me from doing something, you won't hesitate to tell me, but other times, you will tell me that my age is the reason I have to do that same thing. You barrage me with stupid rules whose only seeming intention is to tempt me to break it. Why is it that when I turn eighteen, I miraculously assume this maturity during my sleep? Why is eighteen that magic age? Why don't we have special cases anymore? Why can't I be my own adult, when I am clearly more than capable of making informed decisions about the happenings in my life?

To Grandma:
Unfinished.

To Kodi:
Die. Just, simply, stay out of my life. Don't ever speak to me, don't even breathe the same air when you can avoid it. You are an evil little bastard that does nothing but cause problems for your own entertainment. I have never liked you. Ever. Since the day you were born. It's just the way it is, and the way that it's always going to be. I'm going to give you some of the advice that I keep getting: Don't try to change it, accept that it is the way it is, and move on. So, stop trying to be included in my life, and get on with your own. Leave me alone.

To Mike:
I love you. You've been that thread that I've been dangling from. You've been there for me when I've needed you, and you've helped me whenever you could. Without you, well, it's very safe to say that I would be much more miserable. As much as I hate being dependent on anyone, I feel as though I'm more complete when I'm with you. When I hold you in my arms, liquid passion surges through my veins, and all my sorrows melt into submission. You bring sun when there is rain, and happiness when there is pain. It's been one month and one day, and you've already improved my life so much. I know we're bound to hit a rough patch sooner than later, but, no matter what happens, I love you.

I just want my freedom back. I was cursed with some pretty shitty parents, and it's not anyone fault. I am not asking for any sympathy from anyone, and I won't take it. I've had to mature faster than my peers, and I've established my own limits to keep myself in check. Now, I've been forced into a system where an 80 year old woman suddenly knows what is best for me, and is forcing me to the limits which her wisdom deems appropriate. I feel like I'm being treated like I'm four.

Sam texted me the other day. She said, quite simply, "Im sorry." Phil also tried talking to me.

It's been a bad day. I'm tired of typing. I haven't yet said all that I want to say, and I haven't brought up all that I want to address. Bottom Line: I'm not finished, but I know that I won't finish this either.

¶ 22:28