I hate drama. I hate it around other people, and I hate being in its presence, but it seems far worse when it happens to me. I cried today for the first time in a long time.

Since I've moved out of my house, I haven't escaped anything. It's just a different place for different shit. To be honest, I don't like living with my grandmother, and I knew that I wouldn't, but I had no where else to go. My own mother and father didn't want me. That was a tremendous blow to my defenses, and it was even harder because I can't understand why. I'm not the problem child, the mess maker, or even the fighter. I just don't understand. I try and I try, but there's no logical reason I can think of. When I ask them, they can't give me a reason. There isn't a reason.

To make everything worse, my brother decided to tell everyone he knows that I'm gay. Including, but not limited to: my mother, my father, my stepfather, my stepmother, both of my grandmothers, various aunts and uncles, and of course all of his friends. Why? I don't know. I haven't seen or heard from the kid in over a month. Nobody seems to understand why I don't like him, and it cannot be explained. He is evil. That's that.

Well, it happened. As I'm writing this, I'm seeking refuge on the Jensen's couch with nobody home. A seemingly unsavory parallel to my own life -- nobody home. I know where the key is, and I've been taking in the mail, but I only usually stop once a day. I left from here to go to robotics, and then came back here. I don't know what to do. Some of my family won't accept it, and dislike me for it, but others won't understand. It's the ones that don't understand are the hardest. They are going to ask me a million questions that I am going to have to answer a million times. I don't want to run away from these problems, but I just can't face them right now. The worst is going to be my grandmother, the one I'm living with. Not only is she going to not understand, there's a real possibility that she won't accept. What do I do now? Where do I go then? No 17 year old on the planet should have to deal with this.

All this happening as I'm starting with college stuff. But, I'm putting the horse in front of the cart. I've got a beefy senior year planned. I'm Sachem Editor, CEO of Robotics, and a full academic load. Not to mention my internships, and work.

Friday, I have my arraignment from when I got stopped with Sam, Kaylyn and Phil. I'll probably loose my license for 30 days for being out. On top of the fine for speeding. Sam is the most costly mistake of my life; I'm still paying for it, and I'll be paying for it a long time to come.

As this has been consuming my brain, I started to think about Phil. He was the one person that I could talk to about this, and for whatever stupid reason, we don't even talk anymore. I visited his blog for the first time in several weeks, and I didn't find anything new. I started going through all the archives, and I came across several entries that made me even more upset. I stopped on his post of the same name. I read the letter that he wrote to me, and... well, I just don't know. I felt bad for him, even now. So long after that. All the entries where he was saying that he only has two friends, I kinda resent him for cutting me out. He decided that our friendship has 'run its course,' and it broke my heart. He knew more about me than anyone else. He was supposed to be with me through thick and thin, and be in my life for the rest of it. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to do so much more, but, he changed his mind. I could barely take the conflict that forced me out of the house the first time, and he couldn't stand by me, or help me, or even understand me... It hurt me so much. I can say that I don't really miss him, but that's because I'm used to Sam being permanently attached to him; I don't like that Phil. I miss the old him. The him from so long ago, from Nicole's and from Will Hobbs. I miss him from when it was just the two of us in the car, driving around, considering what to do. But, Phil has changed, and I don't like the New Phil. I miss the original recipe, but it'll never be back... We've fought before, and our for-lack-of-a-better-term 'break-up' has been foreshadowed by that.

The void they left, was quickly filled. I'm much closer to Jackie and Cait and Erik and Andy than ever. I hang out with Emily and Sarah much more. Then, of course, there's Dan. There are plenty others, too. As well as piles of free time that I can be productive with instead of doing nothing with them, or waiting while they do something, or sitting on Sam's bed or in Sam's Friendly's.

Anyway, enough of that, I don't know what to do. I know that I'm going to have to face at least my grandmother eventually, but I don't think I can anytime soon. I want to move out for several reasons, this not included. I know she'll hold the car over me, and she'll be alone again, but I have to do it. It's things like this where I look forward to college. I want to be free of it all. All the drama. I hate drama.

I guess the worst of it all, is that there's no one I can turn to. Nobody's shoulder I can cry on. I've spoken to Erik and Dan, but they are both on vacation. Dan's in Buffalo, and Erik's at the Cape. Jackie and Cait are having their own family issues with moving back into the big house, and Jackie is taking time off. I actually just got a call from Erik, but I forced him off the phone because I can only imagine how depressing I must sound over the phone... He said that if he were here, he'd give me a big hug. It did make me feel better; it just goes to show that it is the small things...

I hate drama.

Since I've been writing this, my grandmother has called me. She asked where I was, and I told her I was at the Jensens. She told me to return home immediately, or she would take the car. I told her that I wasn't ready to come home, and that I was spending the night here. I looked out the picture window as my taillights pulled away. I'm sitting in the dark. I shut off the lights when she came; only the light of my screen in the entire house.

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Blogger was doing some maintenance or something that prevented me from publishing, so I saved it.

Next day.

Well, Emily and Cait came over and stayed with me. Emily spent the night. It was nice to not be at that place, and to not have to deal with all that.

The phone rang a million times while I was sleeping. I'm sure they were all for me, but I was too tired to get them. I finally got one, and it was Mrs. Jensen.

I have work today at four, and I know that I'm going to have to go home before that. She brought my car back sometime during the night or in the morning. I feel kinda bad, becaused I yelled at her when she said she was going to take the car. I knew she only wanted to buy me the car to use as a control. I told her that, and she got upset. I don't think she intended it to be used like that, and I think that that's further underlined by her returning the car. That's why I wanted the Jaguar, and I was going to pay for it...

I'm much more calm this morning. Though, I'm sure I have quite bad breath and no toothbrush.

Sam IMmed me last night, and made me realize, once again, everything I disliked about her. She is manipulative. She has compassion for none but herself, and acts only for that. She asked me if I wanted to drive them to Goshen, for old time's sake. I was too busy to think of it then, but why would I want to do that? Yes, Sam, I can't wait to drive all over the planet to 'hang out.' I put three hundred miles on my car that last time we 'hung out' and I also got a paper arrest. Why would I want to be out past midnight, driving again? If I had never met her, or stopped talking to her when Phil and I vowed to do it, I wouldn't have half of these problems. I'm not blaming her for them, by all means, no. I blame myself for my continued association.

I was told I could no longer stay in my house if I were to associate with Sam and Phil. I left.

The car was given to me on the condition that I no longer hang out with Sam and Phil. I lied to my grandmother. I told her I wouldn't, and I hung out with them anyway.

I've spoken to another Agawam Police Officer, and, though this may not be the case, most officers neglect speeding. But, when there are three or four teens in the car, they rush. He said this is probably what happened. The officer took all my information, ran my license number and found no 'priors,' but, saw two or three drunk passengers, and a brand new car, and assumed I was a spoiled little rich kid who neglects the law. So, he wrote me a citation and a criminal application. He told me that he would have just let me go, because he thought what I was doing was 'noble.' C'est la
vie...

I'm not sure what's next, but I think I'm going to look for a new job. Stop and Shop cut my hours waaaaay back. I'm down from 33, to 15. I wish I were 1
8. Or emancipated. If I get emanicipated, I might get screwed for college. Of course, I might get screwed anyway. My father told me that my parent's agreement for paying for my college isn't written on paper. Which, to me, means that he is going to recant.

Well, I hope today is better than yesterday.

Thanks Emily. Thank you Erik. <3