It's over, but I still love him. I know everyone is so sick and tired of reading this over and over and over and over, but tough shit.

I miss him. It's been two nights since. I feel incredibly alone, though all of my friends have been there when I've needed them. Special thanks to Phil, Sam and Erik for all helping me.

I know this is part of the process, but it's so foreign to me. I'm constantly reminded of him, and everytime I think I have a leg up, there's some memory again. We didn't have much together; it was short and pretty routine. But, it meant so much to me. What little time we had outside of his house. He was confined to his house after the accident, and we rarely got to leave.

I had such a magnificent love planned for us. I wanted to take him on cliche dates. I wanted to take him out to dinner, and to the movies. We had a long list of movies to sit home and watch. I wanted us to be happy. Together. I suppose as long as he's happy, I'm okay. That's the main reason I am not casting him out of my life because of the pain he's caused me.

I remember one of the first times I met his Aunt Maureen... She asked me, "You're not gonna break Michael's heart are ya?" I told her that he'd more likely break mine. We laughed. Sadly, that's become reality.
If I hurt him, as he claims I did, it wasn't my intention. What's done is done. I've made my peace; everyone has moved on.

He says that he's afraid to fall in love. Well, I thought we were in love. I was. I am. He says that he's been hurt too much in the past. Well, that's part of life. It was my job to minimize the pain. He never let me do it. Everytime I tried to help him, or comfort him mentally, he pushed me away.

I told him that I was going to move on. That I wasn't going to wait. I also told him to never be afraid of approaching me in the future; as a friend or as something more. He didn't seem upset by my telling him this. I think it's what he wanted. I think he'd feel guilty moving on knowing that I'd be waiting. I want to get back together with him quite badly. I'm capable of knowing what works for me, and he did. I loved him. Still do.
I think when I told him that I was going to move on, he thought I meant that I was ready to move on. In reality, I don't want to move on. I want him. I guess I was just trying to lessen his burden. I know not why...

Everyone keeps saying that I have got to move on. I'm starting to believe them. Even if we got back together, who's to say that these problems wouldn't happen again? Who is to say that they wouldn't be worse? Who is to say that he'd still love me? In a sense, he fell out of love with me. I can't blame him for that. I can wish, and hope that it weren't so... but that's not going to do any good. I'm going to try to get over it, and I know that eventually I am. I just wish that he still loved me as much as I loved him... but, again, saying that over and over isn't going to make it happen. Only he can. From what I gather, that's not going to happen anytime soon.
Like he said, if it was meant to be, we'll get back together sometime down the road.

So ends the first chapter of the first major love of my life.

¶ 16:43