. I saw Mike today.

. I want him back so bad.

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WiThAk16 (6:48:29 AM): kris, why are you going back to dan and making friends with someone who completely fucked up your relationship? you have now basically told him that it is okay for what he has done and it isnt. he is the one completely at fault, NOT YOU. Don't go and be liek "its okay dan, i just want us all to be friends again, its okay you ruined my relationship but hey, dont worry we'll be friends again so that in a month you can go back and steal my boyfriend again." You need to just not be friends with him, he has more enemies than friends. He is not a good person, and you know that deep down in your heart. I read the whole instant message. He is the problem, so eliminate the problem. He is not worth it. He's not a true "bestfriend" becuase if he was then he wouldn't
Auto response from Blu57nav (6:48:30 AM): These. Words. Are. My. Own.
WiThAk16 (6:49:09 AM): have done what he has done. I was talking with michelle last night and she obviouusly has nothing good to say about dan, but the thing that hurt the most to hear her say is that dan goes up to her and acts like nothing ever happened and doesnt even say sorry for what he did and alll those times that he cheated on her. Its wrong. Simply put. He obviously has a cold cold heart if he can't even say sorry for what he has done to his ex girlfriend.
WiThAk16 (6:51:18 AM): I don't get why you fall back into your own traps. You did it with Sam and she fucked you over and now you're doing it with Dan. Don't do it. Its not worth it. Even if you think you can instill trust back into him, you never will be able to. you will never be able to feel comfortable with him being around Mike alone. YOu just can't. You say you will be able and you wont. So please, I am begging you to please rethink this. Please Kris. You are my best friend, I love you like a brother and when you're sad,I'm sad. You mean so much to me and I hate seeing you like this.
WiThAk16 is away at 6:51:51 AM.

PerfectNever (11:03:05 PM): yeah
Auto response from Blu57nav (11:03:05 PM): These. Words. Are. My. Own.
PerfectNever (11:03:12 PM): i just.. really needed to bitch someone out
PerfectNever (11:03:25 PM): and ashley seemed to be a good enough target
PerfectNever (11:04:57 PM): and thats bull
PerfectNever (11:05:07 PM): if i had the opportunity i'd have done the same to her face
PerfectNever (11:05:21 PM): dan however i cannot degrade myself enough to talk to
PerfectNever (11:11:32 PM): Blu57nav (5:26:33 PM): It gives people the courage to do stupid and hurtful things that they wouldn't have the nerve to do in real life.
PerfectNever (11:11:41 PM): don't just assume that i said that to her over aim
PerfectNever (11:11:51 PM): i would say that to her, in person in front of anyone
PerfectNever (11:12:00 PM): even the fucking queen of england, or my mother

MlsAwyFrOrdinary (8:30:49 PM): I'm really confused on what happened, maybe sometime when you're ready you can explain it to me. But the way I see it, it was really a big misunderstanding blown out proportion. For the most part, I your feelings, although confused on how they got so negative. It seems everyone is against you and half of them don't have the slightest clue why. I'm here for you, don't forget that.
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I'm so hurt. I hurt so much. He's says he is hurt for what I've done. Well, I didn't do anything to him. He says I've compromised his trust. Well, now I know that I probably shouldn't have trusted him as much as I did. Look where that got me.

I have honestly never been so depressed and hurt in my life. He told me that he loves me, but that his heart is wandering. He says he needs help. He never let me help. The drive home was very difficult, from the moment I left his driveway the first time, until the moment I returned to get my DVDs I was crying. I wanted to ask for my gimp thing back, I changed my mind, but I didn't want to disturb him. I almost had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I didn't. Even if I wrapped my car around a telephone pole, it'd be better than how I felt then, or even now.

I hate the drama. I just want him. And, not the drama.

He says it's over.

That he needs help.

He should be getting help soon.

I want to wait.

I asked if I should.

He said he didn't know.

Does he not want and just doesn't want to tell me?

Does he just not know?

All the unanswered questions hurt so much.

He was upset with me for not wanting him to hang out with Dan. I let him hang out with Dan. He didn't respect my wishes, but I didn't mind as much as I should have. As long as he was happy, and I wasn't getting hurt. Look where that got me.

Some of my friends have said from the beginning that he should have respected my wishes. And that by not simply doing that, he's being disrespectful of my character. Phil did, but also some other people who are older and more experienced. Phil's opinion means a lot because he's very good at looking at black and white and making the decision. He makes decisions not complicated by emotion. I'm quite jealous sometimes.

It was brought up that maybe I'm more afraid of being alone and single than I am of being without him. I don't think that's the case.

We cried. We hugged. But that's it. I had every intention of working my hardest at our 'meeting' to get back together. He just doesn't want to. That hurts so much. "Maybe," he said. That hurts so much.

He asked me to take down our conversation from my blog. I never said whether I would or not. This is my scrap book. Visible to the world. I didn't change anything of what anyone said. People ask me questions anyway, and I don't remember a lot. This way, they see exactly what happened. Unbiased. Uneditted.

I gave him the gimp thing, if you haven't figured it out. He told me to keep it. I said I didn't want to. I got half way home, and decided I did. I wanted to get it back, but I didn't want to disturb him.

I've never been so devastated in my life. One thing I can't understand is why I still want to be with him so much. I want to work out all of our problems. I want a relationship with him again. Tomorrow would have been our 2 month. He started telling me his plans for what we were going to do. Then he stopped. I asked him to continue. He wouldn't.

I feel cold all the time. I had the heat up all the way home. It was hot, and I was sweating. But, I still felt cold. Even now as I'm typing this. I'm cold.

I was shivering as I remember. Not from the cold, even though it was. I was so hurt. I couldn't restrain myself. I was shaking. It was so sad.

He said that Nicole was mean, saying things that were unwarranted. I replied that Ashley was mean, saying things that were unwarranted. He said that there was a difference. There isn't.

He said he didn't respect my wishes because he'd lose two friends. I never asked him to, either. I think it would have been easier if I had demanded. It might have ended sooner, but it wouldn't have hurt so much. If he loved me as much as he said he does, then he just lost something more. It hurts so much. I don't want to be lost.

He walked me to my car. Like old time. Like the good times. He opened my door. I got in. I gave him the gimp thing that I'd hung from my rearview mirror. He told me to keep it. I said I didn't want to. He closed the door. He walked away. I turned on my car. Our song was playing. I started crying. I shut off the radio. I cried as I drove out of the neighborhood. I cried as I drove over the railroad tracks. I cried as I drove down Palomba Drive after deciding to turn around. I cried as I turned back on to Hazard Avenue. I cried as I turned by the gas station. I cried as I turned back onto his street. I cried as I pulled in the driveway. Katie jumped. She ran out to see me. I wasn't crying anymore. I want him back.

I want this to just go down on our record as just a fight. I miss him. I love him.

He says that he wants to be part of my life. I told him that I want him to be more than just a part.

I'm freezing. It's 78 in the house. I'm wearing a hooded sweatshirts, jeans and socks. I'm so cold.

So, now. I wait. He says that he doesn't want me to wait. I don't know why. If he has no intention of getting back together, I will have wasted a lot... a lot of time. I want to get back together.

You might think I'm desperate. In a way I am. I've been told that there are other fish in the sea, but I don't want other fish. I could go out and get someone else. I don't want to. I want that little guppy that wandered into my net. I miss him.

On the way home I got a voicemail. I checked them. There were three from him that I'd saved. I cried some more.

All of the unanswered questions... they hurt so much.

¶ 12:26