I thought about him as I was leaving the yearbook room a few minutes ago, as I had the entire day. I saw that it was raining outside, and I thought about him. I started walking to my car, and with every step, a memory would invade my mind with some emotion, and false hope. I want to know if he has any intention of repairing our relationship, because I would like to.

I saw my car, and the break dust on the rear wheels only. I thought about him. I got in my car, and Gary Allen came on my CD player, and I thought about him. I looked at my rearview mirror and I saw the gimp thing he made me in school. I thought about him. I looked in my Target folder to get my schedule, and I found the filter paper heart design he made me. I thought about him. I saw the paper I stuck in my visor where he wrote me a love note on an index card. I thought about him. The list of movies we were supposed to watch together fell from my visor, and I thought about him.

It hurts me, this whole thing hurts me. But, the thing that hurts me most - not that he cast me out of his life, not that he won't speak to me, not that he is convinced that I don't trust him, not that he ripped out my heart - the thing that hurts me most is that he is hurting, too. And, I'm powerless to comfort him.

All day he occupied my mind. Even my teachers noticed that something was wrong. I didn't get my coffee this morning. I didn't get my 'good morning' phone call. I miss him. I don't understand why what I did hurt him so much. When Nicole read my blog, she remarked that he was more of a drama queen than Michelle after Dan or Jacqui on a bad day. I want a drama free relationship. But, I want him, too. If I have to put up with the drama, I will.

This morning when I put on my coat to get in my car, I found an old note he'd written me. I thought about him. I'm so distracted by this. This is so stupid. If he is really going to be upset over something so trivial, I guess it wasn't meant to be. As I was at work today, I thought about him.

I'd wake up from a trance while driving; my hands at ten and two, my eyes on the road, and I'd be traveling the speed limit. But, my mind was elsewhere. I was thinking of him.

I've reached this conclusion. What I did isn't anything worse than things he's done. I think he was just looking for a way to end the relationship, and this presented itself quite conveniently. Part of me wants that to be right, but a large part of me wants me to be totally and completely 100% wrong.

Several people have suggested that Mike really should have respected me more. As much as I believe that, I feel that I should have showed my trust better. I feel like this just highlights our weak spots and gives us something to work on.

All I'm guilty of is loving him. All I wanted was to love and be loved in return. I just want him back. I want to hold him in my arms, and smell his Garnier Fructis hair. I want to be nagged by his mother, and pet Indy. I want to be clawed by Pookey, and asked questions by Katie. I just want him back. I still don't know why it ended.

I don't want to one of my three great loves to have only lasted a few weeks. Everything I see, I think of him. By the time I'd written this word, I'd thought about him 232 times, and cried twice.

¶ 22:08

 Unknown said...
sorry that ashley is being such a bitch. i called her out on it. (good excuse for me, i've harbored a dislike for her and her bitchness, for years). phil's totally right (can't beleive i said that. lol).

ditto on the I <3 you.

-nicole  

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